Looks Good on Paper

So..
It's been a few months. And I look back and realized that I have not developed the proper disciplines that would allow me to write every day as I would like to. This being said I am going to strive to begin writing daily.
This confession brings me to the subject of my first entry. Which is so epically titled reclaiming humanity. Let me explain what I mean by this title. There is something that has been on my mind and a reoccurring theme in my life over the last week or so; Humanity. What does it mean to be human? Not in a biological sense but more so in the spiritual sense. How do I understand or come to terms with my humanity. I am a believer in a God. I am a believer in the spirit; and I'm a believer that the two have become disconnected. I believe that I have begun a journey in life that leads me to take on a knowledge of God, but that being said I still have this lingering of humanity in my soul. I am still so incomplete. A lot of this incompleteness for me shows itself off in my insecurities, my lack of fervor, and my stubborn pride. Examples are as follows (but not limited to the following): I realize that my humanity tells me I am not right ( and I am a person that tends to think that I am right about most things), It tells me that I am a mess, In constant need of correction, in an ever present need of my community, and it tells me that I have emotions that I would rather not have such as loneliness, fear, anger, and confusion. How do I begin to take on this thing in my life that is an ever present part of my being.

I think that at some point over time I stopped seeking to understand this ever present dynamic in my life. We have all heard the statements before: I'm only human, I am human you know, We're all human, I'm still human. At some point I adopted this idea. When I began to say things to this accord I was met with a choir of fundamentalist instruction which told me I was not human for I had Christ and this was supposed to make me perfect. I don't think I knew what to do with these contradicting statements because I thought that I had met Christ and yet I still felt human. I still doubted, became depressed, felt fearful, and screwed up on such a regular basis. How could I be perfect in Christ. I think my life began its great decline to what I will call a spoken existence.

This is a phrase I have coined to describe best how I feel that I was living. I said all these things that were technically true: I am a human, I am a sinner, I am a saint, I am perfect in Christ, I am loved, I am called to love, I fail daily, I shouldn't ever fail, I have a responsibility to live right, I don't live right, I am still loved and perfect in Christ. This is the great paradox that theologians could argue forever, and I will have no luck in explaining or dissecting in a short essay. I am going to focus on how my life was impacted and how I am seeking to work through this great paradox.

This great problem worked itself out in my life in one way and it may very well be different for you. I said these things, I even think that I believed them, but what I didn't do was give them weight. These words were just that, words. Until I can begin to truly believe these things and give them weight in my life they will never truly effect a single person. So how do you begin to allow these ideas to guide you.

These are a few areas that I have begun to allow to direct my paths in the last few months.