Looks Good on Paper

I need you to tell me that I am OK. I constantly crave affirmation; whether it be through compliments, affection, or just mere flattery. I feel that this is a problem.
I have not had many romantic relationships in my life. But I feel that the few I've had were more about proving something to myself then they were about my interest in another human being. I feel that this is unhealthy. I don't believe that arrogance is necessarily a desirable quality but I do feel that needing someone else to make you ok with yourself is not healthy. This is something that I've dealt with for quite some time and is one of those things I still wrestle with. I feel that to truly recover it takes a massive effort on my part to pour myself into others with no intention of withdrawal.

Selflessness is something that I have desired in my life for so long and has been such an elusive lifestyle to grasp hold of. Daily I find myself doing things merely to be congratulated or awarded. When I think of my future, at times all is see is how things will effect me and not how I will effect the world. For instance (if I may be very honest for a moment.) Doing church work I sometimes look forward to, and am overcome with thoughts about how it will make me feel. How good I will feel after speaking in front of thousands, or how good I might feel knowing all that I'm doing for my community.
Not that any of these thoughts are wrong, for I'm sure it will be great to speak to thousands, and who can't feel good after bettering there community. But are these my motives?
I don't believe they are.
But if I don't change my thinking and start focusing on others I run the risk of damaging my entire goal.
If I don't fully devote myself to my wife ( when I meet a woman who will have me) whole heartedly with no expectation of return, I run the risk of damaging that relationship severely as well.
I was talking with my friend Mike the other day about this. He said that he had been talking to God about his marriage, and the conclusion he had come to was that; until he had given his all in the relationship with out expecting return there would never be a give and take.

It isn't something that I have completely figured out quite yet, But I know there must be a change in order for me to be a healthy person in healthy relationships with others. I will keep on striving after the kind of lifestyle which is centered on others without needing others to fulfill me. Which after saying it that way, seems like such a paradox. Isn't it amazing how some things in life work out that way.

I must be better


I do, I feel inadequate. I was going to write out the definition of this word that drives a lot of my internal issues but it did not offer much insight. Basically, I feel as if I must be better. I must be smarter. I must work harder. These are all good things right? Is it wrong to have drive or ambition.
I do not believe that it is. But, I do believe feelings of inadequacy can lead to stagnancy. Let me explain. I want to always be longing to learn more, and improve over my entire life. But if I always feel that the lack of knowledge or improvement makes me inadequate I will never do anything. For I will never be perfect. Oh my god. "You can't tell people that they'll never be perfect or they'll never try" right. I've heard this before believe it or not, but I strongly disagree. I can not let my feelings of inadequacy keep me from being a pastor, a mentor, a friend, a counselor, a teacher, and a defender.
For Christ did not say, "come follow me, but only after you are perfect." He said to follow him and he would mold you and make you into a new person. It is a process, but it calls us to act first. I can not live in fear of what I lack, but rather move forward boldly knowing that I will be refined with time, and that Gods grace will cover my shortcomings. As long as I'm moving.